


the only thing that's real

by hydrospanners



Series: renegade [20]
Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic
Genre: Angst, Drabble, Established Relationship, F/M, Set During Jedi Knight Class Story, Torture Mentions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-11
Updated: 2018-04-11
Packaged: 2019-04-21 08:12:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14280723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hydrospanners/pseuds/hydrospanners
Summary: Months after her escape from the Emperor’s clutches, Nirea Velaran is still haunted by what happened on his Fortress.





	the only thing that's real

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on Tumblr. Inspired by Hurt by Johnny Cash.

 

_and you could have it all_   
_my empire of dirt_   
_i will let you down_   
_i will make you hurt_

 

 

His body is pressed to hers from crown to toe. Warm flesh to warm flesh, her arm locked tight around his chest, his legs tangled between hers. When she wakes in the night, her breath short and heart thundering in her chest, Nirea isn’t sure it’s enough. **  
**

She brushes the tips of her fingers along the column of his throat–-a delicious contradiction of soft skin and rough stubble-–letting the pads of them rest feather-light against the pulsing artery. _Thump thump thump_. The lazy rhythm strikes her like a jolt.  _Alive_ , it says. _Alive alive_.

She nestles deeper into the silky forest of his hair and lets the feel of him, the tendrils of his presence in the Force, lap at her awareness like the tide. She breathes deep of his expensive shampoo, of the clean, luxurious scent of him. Her heart stutters, slowing its rampage in fits and starts.  _Safe_ , she tells it.  _We’re safe_.

Her fingers twitch, still feeling the cold wrongness of that blade in her hands. Still feeling the sticky heat of blood between her fingers. She sees flashes of pale skin splitting open, hears him begging, weeping.

She likes it when he begs sometimes, but not like this. Not in pain.

“Rea,” he mumbles. She looks up and finds two dark eyes looking back at her, half-lidded and glazed with sleep. “Everything okay?”

She waits a bit, expecting a stupid joke or easy deflection to come to her. Expecting a shrug to work its way out of her shoulders. A grin to seize her lips.

Nothing comes.

It’s like this with him sometimes. He doesn’t need her to be okay–-he’s never really _needed_ her for anything-–and if someone doesn’t need her to shrug off the hurt, if someone isn’t counting on her to take it on the chin… She doesn’t know how. Nirea never learned how to be strong for her own sake.

With him, though, it isn’t so terrible being weak.

She takes a deep breath, pressing her palm hard against his chest, feeling the sleepy beat of his heart.  _Alive_ , it says.  _Safe. Okay._

“I’m never sure,” she admits in a rough, croaking whisper, “if they’re nightmares or memories.”

He wraps his arms firmly around hers, twining their fingers together over his beating heart. She coils herself tighter around him, like if she can just get close enough, if she can just cover enough of him with enough of her, she can maybe maybe protect him from all the hurt she’s already done.

“I’m so sorry,” she says. She can’t remember if she’s ever said it. There’s a lot she hasn’t been able to remember.

“Hey.” He pries her hands from his chest, bringing them to his lips for a dozen soft, fluttery kisses. “Wasn’t your fault, gorgeous. None of it. We talked about this.”

“I just wish…” She sucks in a breath. “I wish I knew. Am I remembering things I did or things he wanted me to believe I did? Or are they just nightmares? I wish… Did I hurt you, Archiban?”

His muscles pull taut beneath her and that’s all the answer she needs.

Of course she hurt him. She hurt Rusk. She was going to hurt Kira. Why would she not have hurt him?

“Hey.” He pulls their tangled fingers back to his chest and presses her palms to his heart. For a man with the Force sensitivity of a spoon, he always seems to know what she needs. “It wasn’t like with Rusk, okay? You never laid a finger on me.”

“I don’t need to touch someone to hurt them.”

“You never did anything. It hurt to see you like that was all. It hurt that I couldn’t help. But you never hurt me.”

She has the nagging feeling that he’s leaving something out, but she’s tired in every corner of herself and doesn’t have the energy to press. He isn’t lying. If there’s more truth he isn’t telling her… Rea’s a little startled to find she doesn’t mind. A little startled to find she trusts him.

“I’m still sorry,” she says. She realizes her heart has slowed. She isn’t teetering on the sharp edge of a panic. There’s still a yawning, hollow pit in the middle of her. A thing of darkness and fear and shame. It’s a part of her now. She can feel the roots of it in her bones, can hear it echo in every breath. It’s a scar too big to ever fully heal, but wrapped around Archiban Kimble, safe and warm in the bed they share, with the familiar thrum of engines all around her…

Nirea may never fully heal, but she might yet find a way to live.


End file.
